Exclusive! It’s Back to Shellac!
The British Minister for Culture, Media and The Environment, Rt Hon Michael Dot-Gov MP, will announce measures to protect the environment by further reducing the use of plastic.
“Following the elimination of common plastic products such as plastic bags, plastic straws, and plastic cups”, said Mr Dot-Gov, “the Government is to introduce a further ban on the use of plastic, in the form of vinyl records.This underlines our commitment to reducing pollution, reducing dependence on fossil fuels, and protecting the environment.”
After talks with representatives of the music industry, Mr Dot-Gov said record companies had agreed that, despite its recent growing popularity, they would cease production of vinyl records with immediate effect.. To protect the livelihood of musicians, the music industry has decided to revert to the previous industry format, the 78rpm shellac record.
Music Industry spokesman, Richard “Dick” Head, declared “We fully support the government on this. We all love vinyl, but shellac has many more environmentally friendly properties, being a natural, organic, renewable and biodegradable product, just a bit fragile. We believe consumers will soon get used to handling these new discs carefully, and understand the importance of the protecting environment.”
Speaking under doctor’s orders from his retreat on the Caribbean island of Mustique, Sir Mick Jagger (75) gave his support to the vinyl ban. “Vinyl has been around for many years. It’s given people a lot of pleasure, but sacrifices need to be made to protect the environment.
I have to think of the grandchildren. I’ve got eighteen at the last count, and I’ve got to think of their future.”
Fans can be reassured all Rolling Stones records will be reissued in the new sustainable 78rpm shellac format.
Among other popular singers adding their support to the vinyl ban is former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney (76).
Speaking from his retreat on the Scottish Isle of Bute, Sir Paul said:
“I agree with Mick, we all have to do our bit for the environment. Pollution is a problem, even here on The Mull of Kintyre. Local fish started turning brown, turns out, due to chemicals from my hair dye. Now I’m doing my bit for the environment, going green, or more like sort of, grey”.
The Beatles catalogue is to be reissued on environmentally friendly brown coloured shellac The Complete Beatles box-set, weighing around half a ton, will be available to order on line.
Phonographic Industry spokesman Harry Krishner supported the vinyl ban. “The industry has just this year ceased production of the plastic Compact Disc, admittedly not for environmental reasons, but due to falling sales. However we are delighted that music lovers will continue to have a choice of formats, between digital download, and the 78rpm shellac disc”.
“We are particularly delighted to announce that a British hi-fi manufacturer, NADS – with the support of the Department of Enterprise, Energy-Saving and Sport – will shortly unveil a new eco-friendly turntable specially designed to play the new 78rpm shellac disc. To meet the renewable energy target of nearly net-zero, and avoid the use of environmentally toxic batteries, the portable player will be entirely hand-cranked”
On hearing of the return to shellac, London hip-hop club DJ Dizzy quipped “It’ll be “smash hits” all night until I get the hang of spinning this shellac stuff. Still, if it’s good for the N-Vironment, it’s mental, environmental, know what I mean? ‘Cos I don’t.“
The record industry change-over from plastic to shellac is not as environmentally-friendly as the government claimed, according to animal rights campaigners Green Poo. “Shellac is made from the secretions of the South East Asian lac beetle, and female lac beetles suffer during the shellac extraction process.” explained Green Poo Non-binary Spokesperson, Mike Litoris. “This is not just about environmental protection, it’s about Insects’ Rights.”
The Institute of Reliable Energy have pointed out that oil prices reflect the additional revenue derived from its secondary use in the production of plastic. “Take the income from plastic out the equation, oil prices will go through the roof, leading to recession, depression, job losses and degradation of the environment.” a spokesman for the Institute pointed out. “There are a number of so-called laws in economics but only one you can predict with any confidence is the Law of Unintended Consequences”.
Have Your Say
The Department of Business, Energy-saving and Sport has opened a public consultation regarding the proposed ban on vinyl, and called for suggestions regarding other plastic products which could be eliminated.
If you would like to make your views known, you have up to the deadline of noon April 1, 2019
UPDATE: In the light of Brexit slippage, the consultation on vinyl has been extended, indefinitely.
UPDATE 2: Soon after publishing this 2019 “Poisson d’Avril” , the real Mick Jagger was diagnosed with a heart valve problem, requiring surgery. Apparently the operation has an 95% success rate, which is good for Mick though not necessarily the grandchildren, who will likely have to wait a little longer for any inheritance. Good luck Mick, who is having the necessary surgery in New York. Perhaps there will be a YouTube of the op – like, Let It Bleed?
UPDATE 3: The Iyce Festival – a good spoof.